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Blogs Welcome to my March 2010 blogs! Tuesday 09th March 2010 ok so I thought I'd gone to bed last night but then MSN went off on my phone and disturbed me, I had a little chat said night night and fell asleep, he then replied to my night night and woke me up again, it went on like this for a short while after, twinned with mother deciding to hoover at just after 10pm.... :( not cool I wanted a nice early night. Stephen started talking to me on MSN and dropped the bombshell about Tami :( RIP man you were a fucking legend!!! Leah was chatting to me on FB and I told her I was climbing the walls I just needed to get out... "I'll be there in 15" those famous words she always is a saviour, I'd forgotten she'd got her car back just that day. I got out of bed dressed myself and walked down the road and flagged her down before she got to my house. She told me about the nightmare she'd had filling the car up and people main beeming her in the face and stuff on the way, we drove to Asda where I took out some cash I owed her from a few weeks before and I bought a massive mousse to cheer me up as they didn't have the drugs I wanted. We had a maccies as it's tradition and they fucked the order up so we got a bit of free food. It came to that time of night when Leah couldn't stay out anymore she was knackered and it was really starting to take it's toll on me so she drove me home and I came in and straight to bed. One last check of MSN on my phone and there is Ant... I get chatting to him about various stuff, I've been pretty damn low for a few days and he just makes me see the good in what I've got but makes me realise I need to make better what is there. Suddenly we realise it's 3.30am and we both have to be up in the morning, me at 7.30 so I can say good morning to my lovely man and him at 9, he tells me he is doubtful of seeing that time. I fall straight asleep without saying goodbye to Ant. There is the sound of that small jet engine again... I roll over quickly thinking damnit I've overslept and missed Ethan to see it's a few minutes past 7... WHATTTT!!! My mother was hoovering and carpet shampooing a little after 8 yesterday morning and a little after 10pm last night and now it's a few minutes past 7 and she's hoovering waking me up... I am utterly infuriated!!! 3 times in 2 days she's woken me up doing that... Ethan is online, so I have a quick chat with him and for once I almost showed some emotion, he tells me he misses me, but that's cool because I feel I've missed him too with so much going on around me. It's all been a bit much to take in and to be honest I'm just looking forward to a good nights sleep in his arms and not waking up to the sound of a hoover at some silly bastard hours! I feel a lot happier today, I open the curtains for a change and let the natural light pour in over me in bed under the window, I roll over and find my phone by following the charging cable and find it deep in my bed, I open my contacts list and look for Lucy, I rejected her call last night and hope it wasn't important I was not having a good time when she rang and she woke me up. I call her... she answers, I tell her that I rejected her call because I was sleeping, she has a breakdown that she can't iron her suit and she has a job interview so I tell her to go get her shower and I will leave out straight away because I have soooo much to tell her too! I throw on some clothes, brush my hair and teeth and put my ipod on and leave the house barely speaking to my mother. I sing out aloud all the way to her house not phased a single bit that someone might hear me, I get there and let myself in, help myself to a glass of council pop, I call Lucy and tell her to cover up cuz I'm gonna walk in, we chuckle about her nakedness, she finishes her make up while I aimlessly jabber at her about current affiars, and puts on her t-shirt, I make her change her bra to one that suits the shirt better, I adjust the straps for her and go off to the ironing room and iron her suit 99% perfectly bar one little line but it's ok it will be covered by her jacket and she's pleased as punch and can't stop thanking me, so we go downstairs and hook up the pod to some speakers and take it outside while she smokes, a bit of Bowling for soup and Sublime, my musical references are much brighter than the last few days. I roll her two ciggies so she doesn't have to take a massive pouch of tobacco with her. The doorbell is ringing out so I do as I usually do and amuse myself by answering the door to greet and confuse whoever it is... it's Mr Postie and he wants a sig for the parcel so I laugh with Lucy about what I'm going to sign today and he says he doesn't care so long as it says anything micky mouse would do... is he trying to say I wear polkerdot massive boxers and have round ears? lol! We leave for the bus stop seeing the local news board I scan through with my eyes and offend someone walking by as I refer to our local bobbie as a useless paki, Lucy seeks shade and I tell her to join me in the sunshine it will make her feel better... I forgot Gingers suck at getting sunshine!!! I walk home and even cross to the otherside of the road so I'm in the sunshine with my sleeves rolled up, I don't mind walking further to feel good, I round the corner and see that the car is still parked outside our house and dread what mood mother will be in when I walk in the front door, I turn up my Ipod and decide to just not hear anything or say anything I miss having time and space to myself and having that sense of not having to make stupid conversation for the sake of it!!! I sort through some of my ironing pile in the laundry room and decide that I should take some of it away because it's slowly becoming more and more like a glorified green house I would be absolutely livid if my clothes ended up with soil on I have to wait long enough for the washing machine. I change my room around yet again I can't help it, I just want it to be comfortable and perfect and I can't meet a happy medium, the peace and quiet was too good to be true as mother bursts into my room smashing my door off my furniture that's infront of the door I remove my earphones to hear "Oh I'm just checking it's not burglers..." How the fuck would burglers let themselves into our house with a key and why would they be moving the furniture in my room... Christ only knows perhaps it was a dig it's getting pretty malicious around here right now. it's only 10:30 I'm thinking of getting on the vodka already, at least I'll sleep well tonight haha! I wonder what jobs I will have to do to earn entitlement to a meal today... I think I'll just erm yeah get another glass of water. I don't want him to think I'm weak so I delete it and start again, I do the same all over again but this time I just think it's pointless chit chat for the sake of it. Fuck it just send what you are thinking... so I did... I'll be most surprised if I get a reply but hey... :) least he knows what is on my mind. I am absolutely shattered from all this getting woken up on my day off and getting whinged at about not getting up, little is my mother aware that I am up at 7.30 every day to speak to Ethan in the morning... sometimes I go back to sleep but just because I'm in my room doesn't mean I'm asleep. I am now considering a little afternoon nap which will be followed by many big plans that I'm sure wont really take place, but hopes and dreams are usually a good drive :) The rest of the day remains pretty uneventful, until the amazing Scott rings me and we have a chat he decidees that as I've been in such a low place the last few days that he needs to come see me for an hour I jump in the shower I need some self pampering for feeling good tomorrow, Scott arrives and we spend the night chilling and chatting lots looking at glitches on MW2 :) Scott leaves a lot later than he originally planned but I don't care, I've even managed to do some more on my assignment while he's chilling with me between matches etc... I roll around in bed unable to sleep and watch a few things on I player. Eventually I change my mind and decide to play some MW2 as Sazzy_GT for a change it's time for me to overtake that man of mine. Oh and I do... I finally go to bed satisfied around 3.45am... Monday 08th March 2010 I am rudely awoken to what sounds like a small jet engine just after 9 this morning... oh no that's just my mother shampooing the carpets again :( I didn't want a lay in on a Monday morning... afterall it's only my day off... so I get up and take a load of washing downstairs to a full washing machine and put the load that's in there on to spin and head back to bed... I roll around till about 11 and fall asleep again only to wake just before two... I look at my phone to see what msn messages the other half left this morning before he went to work... pretty standard stuff, the messages Emma Louise wrote after I fell asleep on her at 3am, 2 facebooks and a missed call from the ginger one. I call the ginger one back and I have an utter whinge at her about everything even stuff that just could be easily sorted out but I've brewed a big problem out of it upstairs. She's brutally honest with me for the 1st time ever and it makes sense... Go you ginger! I need to get up and do something productive I don't know what but I know I need to nip to the bank and also to pay Leah the money I owe her. I have loads to do like putting my ironed clothes away there are now two big bin bags full of them outside my bedroom door, I have an assignment that needs some attention to detail, I might even have a meal today, I play that tune out loud and clear and still try to work out what it means to you, I think sod it jump out of bed, throw on some clothes and brush my teeth, now all I have to do is beg my mum to use the car for an hour or so! Shall I do that, go to the bank in Birstall and go to the lakes for a walk to see if I can find that missing inspiration? Nothing materialises from my big plans, it's too late now, so I turn to COD for a few matches, I pick up my phone between games I write a text message, I delete it without sending it, I check to see who is online in my friends list, I decide not to play with any of my usual crowd and go it alone. I pick up my phone and write another text, I decide not to send it and delete it, the other half signs into the PSN I look to see if he's playing the same game as me, clearly not. I did something productive today though, I did indeed apply for two jobs and hope fingers crossed something will come of it I can't live without money anymore, downside is though if I get them it's going to limit when/how I see the fella... He'll understand or work around it I'm sure... don't really know how or when I'll discuss it with him. I get that yell from downstairs that I've not had for so long "do you want food?" Well as all I had yesterday was roast beef dinner and it's like 6pm and I've not had anything today maybe I'll partake in this eating malarkee... Steak it is then... How enjoyable then the bombshell is dropped... from now on I have to do something deemed appropriate and approve it before I'm allowed any food out of the cupboards... I guess I'll hit my target weight sooner than I though because I thought I was already doing quite a bit. I see that 8pm has apprached real quick today and now it's time for a quick session on COD and a clean up for an 8.30 sleep! Night night people x Sunday 07th March 2010 I feel I'm still searching for inspiration and answers to what is deep inside but in the meantime, I invested some time into films and downloading, something that I've never had the time or the motivation to do. I don't feel that I've wasted the 5 hours I've spent watching films today, I have some knowledge and insight into self education, I know who Samuel L Jackson is now and he amused me very much. I lay here and realise I've not left this room since Friday it's no wonder I have no inspiration, no motivation, and no particular feelings of happiness or joy. I hear and see conflicting messages. I roll over and send a text to the other half as I've not heard from him since stupid o'clock when he got home from his night out, I continue to write and do suchlike while watching yet more viewing on this wonderous way of streaming to my ps direct from my lappy... you know I think it's true my life revolves around SONY and my Laptop... The things that matter the most right now are all accessed this way, my studying done online and assignments written up, communication with my friends and entertainment :) AMAZING!!! So I'm starting to think I need some lessons to do with understanding and interpreting, if something is ok how it is why change it? Ok, maybe look for improvement... there is nothing wrong to begin with. Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could read peoples minds, know exactly what they are thinking or how they feel? Nobody said life would be easy, if it was would we all just be boring and predictable? So I head off for a nice long shower and hope that something comes to me pretty quick because my mind is eating my soul, I have a good family a good fella and am getting a good education, I just need to piece it all together and get a job and everything will be perfect :) So I turn to music for some soothing words of reality again, I find myself youtubing Rihanna... like wtf... I search through till I come to unfaithful, I think of Matthew Quinzi and Matthew Nolan, I, the player was played by an even bigger player and I accepted the lies more, I think I'd accept them if he turned up with them tomorrow when I know otherwise, I'd accept the lies but I would not tollerate them anymore... Rihanna finishes, I search through for the Pretty Hate Machine album and put on the beaut that is NIN and sing out loud to something I can never have, I relive the moments sitting in that flat in Cambridge dreaming of my escape to Derby, now knowing that it would never of happened regardless I was just a challenge. I realise something today, I am actually really sorry to the people who I played back in the day, I wouldn't be the person I am today without any of them and would never have broken free. I wish people didn't check upon my past because what they uncover will only cause them to doubt, I quote Eminem "We were just kids back then" The phone rings... the call that's been promised for days... I told you that you didn't have to call me, so now we've offically had one of those phonecalls that's not completely nessissary, I felt uneasy, I didn't really have anything to say... I've spent the day visiting the past and watching films trying to broaden my horizons and justify why I've become who I am today, how was I to talk about that while you have company? How do I talk about that sort of thing anyway? Everyone knows that my life and thoughts are on paper... I click minutes to midnight and listen to the words, I can't stand it for a change and swap over to something else, at which point is it that you know to trust someone? "sometimes goodbye is the only way" Saturday 06th March 2010 Ok so here I am sat looking for some positive inspiration, it's saturday night and I have no idea where any of the thoughts in my head are leading to or what they will become. I know that it's going to be another boring and lonely Saturday night in with the playstation, while all the people around me are out there doing what they do best... partying hard and spending money on booze!!! I have a flick through BBC i Player and decide to log into myspace, I click on Emma Chamberlains music page and turn up the speakers on my lappy, I feel my phone vibrate next to me, usually I'd jump but I can't see it being the text I've been waiting over 21 hours for so I continue to sit and write! I look out of the window and see that it's darkness throughout the land, it's too late to do anything productive and quite frankly I feel like a stiff drink but don't think I could face the wooley head in the morning! Suddenly I realise there is some new music on Emmas music page the lyrics so deep, they ring so loud and true "don't come to close to me right now, I don't think I trust myself, I don't need you trying to make me fall I've already tripped and fell, I don't trust myself with you" Emma Lou on MSN to keep it real, where did this little ray of sunshine come from in my life, she just seems to be there when I am stressed or something is playing on my mind and boom she makes me see sense, she probably doesn't even realise it but the little puzzles seem to be easier after a chat with her. Why is it that I only seem to have few emotions, they recently consist of infuriated, content or pain. I don't want to be just content anymore I want something real and something right, I am beginning to think that the answer to everything is FEAR nobody wants to hurt and they are scared of getting hurt, nobody wants to be laughed at and if that means hiding your feelings then so be it. I've never been afraid I don't know what has come over me, something has changed, I don't think I have the ability to fight in me anymore, have I seen too much in this life? I recall some of the lyrics to a song, I google it and listen to it on youtube a few times, I look up the lyrics, I know this song means something to you, the chances are I'll never know, you sing it with such passion and play it sooo loud. It's a beautiful and catchy tune... does it pain you? So I look at the PS controller, it is my world, my soul and my love, I can communicate with people, and when I get bored or fed up they don't get offended if I just up and leave it's like bliss, nothing can take it away from me. I turn to the playstation to relieve my frustrations of life by killing... it works for a short while, then I come across people who just make the game rediculous and I loose my temper all over again but I feel content. I think about everything else and instead of my heart sinking I smile to myself and sing along to the words "it'll be ok in the end, and if this life doesn't give you the love expect, there's always the next" I remember my father shouting me to tell me there was creamcakes in the kitchen for me earlier so I think now I have found some more answers to my mindset it's time to pig out and get on with my lonely evening with the PS3
You can contact me at sazzy@sazland.com
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